実は、私には年子の兄がいます。
兄が当時2歳の時、生活苦に陥ったと。
幼い頃に父から聞きました。
その当時、
海辺の崖で父が俺はもう終わりだから
『せめて一緒に死ぬか。』と
兄に聞いたそうです。
すると、兄は一言だけ『死にたくない！』と
はっきり答えたそうです。
・ ・ ・ ・ ・ ・
そこから．．．
わたしの人生へと繋がりました。
そして、兄は2歳の時に父に言ったそうです。
『てめぇの作る飯は全部てめぇの酒の
摘みじゃねぇかよ！』と。
そんな兄は2歳の頃からビールの泡が好きで。
ビールは最初の1口2口が旨いんだとか。
話してたと父はいつまでも
思い出したかのように話すのでした。
わたしが23の時でした。
その時私は訳あって、
足首を骨折していて。。。。。
・ ・ ・ ・ ・ ・
小さい頃震災の影響で洪水になり
家が浸水したときは、
父から助けてもらいました。
それから、少しして。
私は兄と一緒におかけっこを
していて階段から足を滑らせ、
落ちた事があります。
あたしが兄に手を差し出そうとしましたが
届かなかったのを覚えています。
その時どういう訳か！？
兄が空中を泳いできて
あたしを庇って覆う様に落ちました、。
当時、父は何しとるんや！
と階段から落ちた兄を殴り、蹴り続けます。
私はただ、、、泣き喚いていましたが、
やかましいんじゃ！アホゥが！！と。
父の恐怖にその場で固まり首をただ横に
振るだけしかできなかった
出来事がありました。
当時兄と私は二段ベットで兄が上で
わたしが下のベットでした。
わたしはその夜声を押し殺して
泣いていました。
声を出して泣いてしまうと、
父が来て馬乗りになり、
殴られる事がわかっていたからです。
翌日私は、大きなたんこぶ一つ。
頭部に出来ただけでした。
その日保育園から戻ると、
体のあっちこっち
包帯塗れで腕から肩を骨折した
様に思える
兄が泣いていました。。。
父と兄は病院から帰ってきたばかりだと直ぐに、
わたしは気が付きましたが
眺めることしかできませんでした。
その時父は兄に阿保かお前！
男は泣くな！格好悪い！などと
話していたのを覚えていて
その時兄がわたしに気づき、
必死に痛みに堪えて涙をぬっぐっていた
記憶は私の中で
消えることはなく。。。。。。
この事故のせいで片方
兄の鎖骨を潰してしまいました。
わたしは当時市内にあった、
S保育園に入園します。
兄と同じT保育園に入れたかったそうですが、
当時惜しくも、定員いっぱいで
入園することができなかった
と。幼い頃に父から聞きました。
父は当時、私の通う保育園児の先生達とは
どうしても仲が不仲でした。
わたしは保育園には殆ど通っていません。
時には父は、保育園から
「てめぇで帰って来い！」
ということもありました。
そんな時保育園の先生がおうちまで
付き添いで帰ってくれたのを覚えています。
その日は1時間40分程、
保育園の先生もなぜか
一緒に玄関で立たされたままで
お説教を受けて
いました。保育園の先生も
娘さんには優しく接してあげて
くださいと言ってくれましたが、
父の怒りをより買ってしまったのを
覚えています。
「お前の子やないだろうが、おかしいだろう。」
と。
この日は、父の機嫌が悪く
ご飯抜きにされて目の前で
ご飯を食べる父や兄を
魚と。。。
私は眺めてました。
先生が帰った後も4時間程
それから一人立たされていました。
当時、眠たくなって
コクンコクンとなっていたら
「誰が寝てもいいと言ったな！」と
お箸や、灰皿が飛んできました。
泣きながら頑張って耐えていました。
朝も、
「おう。布団は持って行っちゃらー」
と。
当時、一人保育園に通った出来事も覚えています。
そして荒れ果てたおうち！
父が突然俺はやめた！
と。
家中にあったお皿をすべて
投げつけて割った出来事がありました。
家中廃墟のような室内！
至る所に割れた食器やグラス！
お箸は半分に折られてゴミ箱のなかへ。
兄と私は2階へ避難してました。
落ち着いたころに、
兄が先にお風呂に入ると。
下りて行きました。
上に上がって来たときに、
兄は、
危ない箇所のガラスは除いたけど、
足元は、此処と此処は何があって
危ないから気を付けろ！と
お風呂からあがっても私は泣いていました。
兄に明日からどうしょう。どうやって生きて行こう！
相談すると兄は
知るか！
どうせ皿も買い替えるのはあいつや！
俺は寝る！と。兄は言いました。
時はことなくして、
夜の出来事！
父は突然自転車から二人をおろすと、
戻って来るから待っとけ！と、
一言残して
ビルの建物の前に残していくのでした。
いつまで経っても父は帰って来てくれません。
私は兄に、言う事聞かないから捨てられたんだよ！
悪い子だから。。。。
と兄に言うと、
兄はまぁ見ちょれ！
絶対にアイツは帰って来る！と
兄はなんの根拠のないけど、
自信満々で安心させようと
してくれるのでした。
そんな父は元相手を
実際コロしに行こうと
して
道に迷い失敗し、挙句に自転車で横転し
唇を何箇所も縫う大怪我をしたのを、
覚えています。
本当に
シんでしまうんじゃないかと思いました。
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